Frozen Toothpaste

Holidays should never be recognized by anything but the day of the week on which they fall. This way, we give the day no credence beyond it’s own merit as a day of the week.

We can know that today is supposed to be Independence Day, which of late has come to mean little more than grilling, fireworks and alcohol. But we cannot tell others that we know this fact. We can only tell them that this is a good Wednesday.

They will think we are odd for telling them this. But we will know that some Wednesdays are good. And some Wednesdays are bad. Some Wednesdays are just average. Wednesdays tend to vary in this manner. There is no way to impose order on our Wednesdays.

Sometimes the Wednesdays that others think are truly special turn out not to be. Sometimes Wednesdays that no one else thinks are special really are.

We tell them “Happy Wednesday!” because we know this is true.

They laugh at us because they have forgotten this truth.

“Hello,” I say to the 21 year old stranger waiting in line.

“Hello,” says the stranger.

“What’s the game?” I ask.

“To make manifest the insane desires of materialism run amuck,” he says.

“You don’t want the phone?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “this is a protest.”

“Oh really?” I ask.

“Indeed,” he says.

“Can I have the phone?” I ask.

“Yes, he says, asking 1000 dollars.

“That’s preposterous,” I say.

“That’s the game,” he says.

“Wasn’t it a protest?” I ask.

“You’re a protest,” says the 21 year old idealist.

Everyday, pirates seem to be getting more and more popular. I think this is absurd. Here are the five most important things we should not forget about pirates.

1. Johnny Depp is not a pirate, pirates are not Johnny Depp. All this nonsense about good looking pirates has to stop. Pirates were probably some of the ugliest people on earth. Let’s not forget that Vikings were essentially pirates, and no one thinks they’re terribly attractive. And in a related point…
2. Pirates STINK. Think about it, not only are they probably ugly, but you can have little doubt that they smelled bad. Sure everyone smelled bad, but pirates wouldn’t even shower if they had the chance. They think they’re too good for something like that. Plus you can be certain that no pirate ship ever made had a hot shower on it, and that’s no fun for anyone.
3. The Pirates make a terrible baseball team. Even if you live in Pittsburgh, you know this is true. Pirates play baseball about as well as Rockies or Royals, whatever those are. And simply put, being bad at baseball is not only un-American, it’s unattractive.
4. A pirate would kill you for a bottle of rum, or vodka, or probably even Schnapps. And that’s just bad news. Who wants to sit down to unwind with a bottle of their favorite liquor and find themselves dead and without any booze. One or the other might be okay, but if you’re dead you’d probably really want a drink.
5. Less awesome than a unicorn, less strong than a T. Rex. Let’s be honest. Pirates are just senseless. Unlike ninjas which are both awesome and deceptively fast to make up for their lack of strength, pirates have nothing. They are not awesome, they’re mostly just silly. And they’re not going to defeat anyone in any kind of battle. I mean the three musketeers have better fighting skills than pirates. And they’re French.

About a week ago, I moved some furniture around the house. And it left those impressions in the carpet. Some of them are still there as I write this today. And it makes me wonder what those impressions mean to the carpet.

Are they a way for it to remember its past? But they last only as long as the carpet wants to remember. Maybe the carpet has chosen to only remember its past for so long. With time it comes to adjust itself to the new reality. It only keeps them around long enough for it to get used to the new reality. After that it’s ready to move on. It has no need for remembering anyway.

Maybe they’re the carpet’s passive aggression coming forward. Maybe the carpet feels a need to remind me of the way that I used to make it suffer. It’s not really one to complain while it is suffering, but afterward it just will not let you forget that it has been suffering under the weight of your furniture for an extended period of time.

Do you think that the carpet is just rolling with the punches? That it’s not actually very attached to remembering the old reality, or making you feel guilty for it, it’s just sitting there. Those impressions don’t mean anything to it. It’s just worried about staying in the present, so that’s what it will do.

There are certainly reasons to believe that the latter is not only true, but grows to be more so with each passing day. As anyone who’s kept carpet around for some time will tell you, as it ages, it keeps those impressions for less and less time.

Maybe the carpet is, when young, too attached to its past. It wants to remember, feels the need to remember, all that it’s seen, all that’s been around it. But that with time it begins to realize that its far more important to just adjust. To be present, first and foremost. The past only matters to the extent that it changes the present.

That maybe, we should be less attached to all things. Including the impressions in the carpet. The meaning and actions of others in our lives.

Penguins have been getting a lot of press lately. At least 300 movies about penguins to have come out in the last year, of which Surf’s Up is only the most recent. But do you know how many movies unicorns got? That’s right. Not a single movie about unicorns has been released recently, and this is simply not right. So here they are, the five best reasons reasons to protest this injustice. Five reasons that unicorns are better than penguins.

1. Penguins cannot fly, unicorns can. This is especially important because, as you may be aware, penguins are birds. This makes the point all too clear, while penguins are busy being deficient birds, unicorns are busy being awesome.
2. Penguins waddle, unicorns run faster than anything else on the planet. Not only can unicorns totally fly way better than penguin, they also run way way faster. Like, incredibly. Unicorns are so fast that they make penguins look like rocks, stupid slow ugly rocks.
3. Unicorns have a horn, penguins have flippers. Let’s say that a bar fight broke out, who would you rather have on your side, a unicorn or a penguin? That’s what I though. Not only can a unicorn poke the other guy in the eye, but then you can get a ride from him which would definitely be really cool and awesome and fast.
4. Penguins lay eggs, unicorns just are. Penguin babies are little wimps. They come in eggs that their parents have to take care of and stuff. Even the daddy penguins. Lame. Unicorns just happen, wherever and whenever they want. If a unicorn wanted to, he could make a clone of himself and suddenly appear behind you. Pretty cool, huh?
5. Unicorns have magic powers, penguins do not. Does anything more really need to be said?