Our intrepid reporter Steve Finch bring us a story to be filed under “conspiracy theories you only wish were true.”
HOLLYWOOD – It was announced today by a conglomerate of media moguls, industry fat-cats, and corrupt politicians that for the last hundred years they have been developing and refining America’s celebrity culture. From humble beginnings, around the time of the advent of motion pictures, they gave the public a feast of useless information about a class of people that deserves less attention than it gets.
This admission came after this determined reporter came too close to the truth; the group decided it was in their best interest to admit their work upfront rather than have it exposed and potentially vilified.
When asked why they had created the celebrity press and it’s blood-thirsty followers, they admitted that it was intended as a device to hide important issues from the general public, like effective governance, ethical business practices, and the creation of a just society.
They also claimed that they were impressed by the program’s effectiveness. Said one, “we had no idea people would be so willing to buy the junk we set out to sell them.”
They were also particularly satisfied with the new air of respectability that had come to the field in recent times. “We had no idea we’d get big enough that the dirt we churn out would be thought of as genuine news. Anna Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton really took us up a notch in the eyes of opinion makers. I don’t understand why.”
They further argued that they had done no harm that the people weren’t willing to inflict upon themselves. As their chief spokesman said “after all, you’re the idiots who ate the stuff up, we just gave it to you.” On that point, this reporter can’t help but agree. Too many worthy publications have come and gone because people were more concerned about Madonna and Paris Hilton.
When asked if they would abandon the machine that has wrecked lives and marriages, and killed more than a few, the group gave no explicit comment. They later iterated that they had some confidence that by now, the machine would sustain itself almost indefinitely if people didn’t make a concerted effort to dedicate themselves to more important news.