Five Frequently Forgotten Facts about Pirates

Everyday, pirates seem to be getting more and more popular. I think this is absurd. Here are the five most important things we should not forget about pirates.

  1. Johnny Depp is not a pirate, pirates are not Johnny Depp. All this nonsense about good looking pirates has to stop. Pirates were probably some of the ugliest people on earth. Let’s not forget that Vikings were essentially pirates, and no one thinks they’re terribly attractive. And in a related point…
  2. Pirates STINK. Think about it, not only are they probably ugly, but you can have little doubt that they smelled bad. Sure everyone smelled bad, but pirates wouldn’t even shower if they had the chance. They think they’re too good for something like that. Plus you can be certain that no pirate ship ever made had a hot shower on it, and that’s no fun for anyone.
  3. The Pirates make a terrible baseball team. Even if you live in Pittsburgh, you know this is true. Pirates play baseball about as well as Rockies or Royals, whatever those are. And simply put, being bad at baseball is not only un-American, it’s unattractive.
  4. A pirate would kill you for a bottle of rum, or vodka, or probably even Schnapps. And that’s just bad news. Who wants to sit down to unwind with a bottle of their favorite liquor and find themselves dead and without any booze. One or the other might be okay, but if you’re dead you’d probably really want a drink.
  5. Less awesome than a unicorn, less strong than a T. Rex. Let’s be honest. Pirates are just senseless. Unlike ninjas which are both awesome and deceptively fast to make up for their lack of strength, pirates have nothing. They are not awesome, they’re mostly just silly. And they’re not going to defeat anyone in any kind of battle. I mean the three musketeers have better fighting skills than pirates. And they’re French.